wow i am so glad i made it to friday! what an interesting week i had at my new job! i do like it and the people too. cant help but think of brad a lot. he is sooo sexy and so sweet and is really the one who hired me. i mean he had those three supervisors meet and talk with me: kelly, eric, and viv but really i bet it was him who was the one to decide! because he’s the director and all….i went to tjmax after work and bought six pairs of pants on clearance and two tops, that was the first time i bougt myself clothes in a very long time, since last summer i think was the last time i bought clothes for work, or just clothes. i had only two pairs of pants for work and what i was doing was wearing them one day then of course washing them then wearing them two days later so i would alternate every other day but i got sick of those pants….rina finally got tired of cooking all the meals and doing all of the laundry….she better take it easy for she will get sicker. oh i am soooo tired full time work and school is soooooo tiring, non stop all the time…..i want to continue seeing my counselor she has helped me out a lot at least with work and all and gave me some excellant books to read too ….speaking of books i better check my library account and make sure nothing is overdue or waiting for me on hold.

ug i hate migraines and one is coming on. ever since i went to work this moring, or actually when i got up i had one and i hate it. i came right home, ate dinner, took a shower and went to bed until 10pm tongiht i would not have gottone up but i had that essay due for my weather class. i am so tired. full time school and work is so very hard. especailly with a new job, i was sooo tired at work iam sure i looked unhappy, hopefully tomorrow will be better, i am back in the cleanroom i have not worked in one, actually in one in ten years, it’s amazing most of the wafers look the same! i felt right at home in my new job, yeah i thought i would be doing all the big time stuff like scheduling, etc. like my old jobs but hey i need to learn about he material more, as my boss said. that is cool, i was kinda upset at first because when i was hired i was told i would work in p c but now i feel okay because at this specific co. working in pc is a lot more hands on then other companies where i have worked. cool fine with me and the pay is decent for me fifteen per hour no worries. i am happy to be working with such a great team and great people, i am happy! everyone is very nice to me! what else? tatiana has an appointment with housing tomorrw at 3:30 so it looks like we will have the voucher real soon..cool…i still want to continue counseling to help myself out more, i still need to be more assertive in the workplace, why do i feel shy to talk? or to speak up? i hate that about myself when i do that, and i catch myself doing it a lot, i get all quiet like a kid, ug i hate it, i remember during my one interviwing that lady janet said that they need a leader, not somone who will just wait for someone to tell them what to do….i am trying so hard to be a leader!

i like it a lot nice people, most of them seem to be, okay i won’t sugar coat it, my direct boss and coworker are okay they are not the same ethnicity as myself they are like some of the people i used to work with and i need to be careful not to disclose too damn much information about myself like i did in the old job, i told them everything about myself then everyone ignored me..i’ll write more about that one day when i have much for time to write. right now i have my test to complete my midnight for my science course…i wish i would have had my laptop when my old job was getting so bad and i needed to vent, gosh this would have been so good..i am not going to worry about that that’s what my counselor always tells me, well even though i have only been to her three times she really helped me at lot! she always says that’s in the past, it’s done, why are you crying? she is so cool and tough i want to be just like her! gosh my feet hurt i stood for the majority of my day then i sat down at 2:30 or so and of course by that time i only had a couple of hours to go….what else really started to read “self esteem” this am real early when my baby kitty worke me up for his food at 4:30am that book is cool and can help me out, it will be hard for me to become assertive, oh gosh there i go with my inner critic, the monster or the meanie or whatever you want to call it, the inner critic is what i think they call it, i need to stay positive, i love that book, and when i get the money i will go back to counseling too, i need to be able to pay her $75 up front in cash for it to be the cheapest…i need to pay for my mom’s shots $288 this week for one month…..and her car dmv renewal is $60 or so….and our groceries, i am trying to budget us a bit, $257 for safeway.com yesterday and $11 today at the corner grocery for eggs and milk, yesterday was $35 for mom’s meds, hair dye for her and wipes for me and qtips, what the heck else have i bought this week…wow, tons and tons of salads out from jack in the box and kfc for the past month or so….i have spent sooo much it will be embarassing when the housing athority sees what i spend my money on, lol just kiddiong…i love writing all my thoughts down it makes me feel…..releived really it does, yeah i hope no one writes anything all mean but oh well, i could just make it private if i want! Sienna tried to email me at my old job and she said it bounced back, wow they got rid of my email oh so quickly, they hated me and i hated them, really i’m just kidding, i worked very hard there skipped my lunch, ran around, i will not do that in my new job at all my counselor said to just do a fair amount of work and not to try and get approval from others. i will just take my time so to speak, my direct boss is okay but she asked me a question about some products and i answered her incorrectly i just hope that doesn’t wreck it for me…the guy who hired me is the director and he is soo cool i like him a lot he is cute too but yes married, it is always nice to have a great communicator around, he is awesome!!! he will be in tomorrow..wow if i keep writing this much i will not get any homework done, well it’s not actaully homework, i just need to study for my big midterm and i need to take it online by 11:55pm i know i will pass it but as far as any better than that who knows, see i don’t want to be negative though that is sooo very not cool….wow my feet hurt from standing in those heels all darn day long but my decaf german choc coffee is oh so good. a sweet guy at work introduced himself today wow he was a sweetie he said oh felina my name is j i saw you interview with l two weeks ago, wow how nice i though. most people are very nice there, the dayshift supervisor veronica is soo cool and helpful she told me if i need anything to let her know or let someone know to yell for her….okay i better go and study a bit or else i will be on here all night as i have not had an outlet for a long time now…cheers felina

i just spent about an hour reading a book called self esteem i even put it before my homework and i like it my counselor told me to read it, or actually i asked her some reading material that could help me and it is helping me a lot…i am in the dark on my laptop because my cat likes the mini blind up and since im not dressed i pulled the mini blind up for my baby cat and the only light i have on is on this laptop….i have a big and exciting day ahead of me, my first day at my new job, my mom made my breakfast for me i told her not to because she will feel it later, she is be sooo tired and weak since she gives herself shots on mon, wed and fri…..i have to get milk after work i did or do not want to go because i have a big midterm due by midnight tonight but i have to help her i always have to put that first…it’s hard especailly when i already have a headache and am very tired. so very tired…..i will be okay i will pace myself, i never paced myself at my old job and i sure will now, just go slower and not work sooo damn hard, at the old one i never even took a lunch i work straight through and as i told my counselor that got me nowhere that is not the way to go at all to work toooo hard tooo fast and make mistakes, even small mistakes…i have off to the shower now i love my new blog on here just a good place to get my feelings out anytime i want bye for now felina

i am excited yet nervouse and feel scared too…i have so many things to worry about. first of all i want to say that i signedup for this site so that i could my thoughts out each day or whenever i feel like it ’cause i can type a lot faster than i can write and besides i’m using my new and first laptop! i’m 32 years old and live in san jose. i work full time and study full time. i have no children, never been married, and do not have a boyfriend. i have one cat. i live with my mother who is ill with ms and she has bipolar disorder too. i have lived with her since 2001. i know i should not complain but i am…and as i learned from my new counselor that i have i do not need to explain myself so much. i am upset or feel upset because if i go out with friends or guys or whatever i know my mom will get mad. honestly i have not been on a date since 2006 when i had to sneak around and go out…before that it was new years 2003 and i stayed out ’til 11:30pm and she just about kicked me out. i know it’s silly to complain now but it’s the truth, it’s now i feel. she always tells me that if i go out with guys from the net or whatever that they will get me, and that “oh felina, how do you know who they are?” …..i don’t know so many things are bothering me right now, i am in school full time…we are on the section 8 waitlist/interview process and i had to enroll full time so that our eligibility still stands….we have not heard from them and we are not worrying about that. i say that but i know my mom wants to move out of this apartment so bad. she pays the 1375 rent and i pay all the bills, groceries, meds, emergencies, car bills, income tax, hair cuts….i just got $254 in stuff from safeway online for us. i quit my job of one year, i was making $13.50 per hour and now i will make $15.00 per hour starting tomorrow. i did not want to keep changing jobs but my employer took all of my work away from me and would not talk to me at all. i was almost fired, or ready to be fired. …i better go and eat something now for dinner, we are back on the healthy diet which is good but i’m worried about how i am going to pay for groceries because i did not work at all last week…..oh i am worried and i cannot tell my mom about it or else she says i worry way too much and then she gets sick of it.. i take 100mg of zoloft, since 1998 i have been taking this, yes since i was 22 years old, i think it does not work as much as it used to…..